Tomorrow is the day!!!

Well, tomorrow is the day, I can’t wait, even tho I hate going thru them…Tomorrow is my CT scan… Hopefully it will give me more answers and better yet it will give my new neurosurgeon, but new awesome neurosurgeon…lol..some sort of answers as to why the pain is so freaking up believe ably horribly bad. I mean, come on now folks, today for instance…I went to do the dishes, not to many dishes really and I barely could make it thru them. It felt like my back was going to break in half, I could barely take a normal breath without being in tremendous pain. So after I finished washing them, I had to literally sit down before I could dry them and put them away because I was shaking the pain was so bad. So tonight, as much as I knew I was going to be in so much pain, I knew the refrigerator had to be cleaned out. Thankfully ~J~ was home and she was able to help me put away the dishes because no sooner did I start the dishes did the pain come rushing back!!! I mean I give up, this is really getting be down, I mean if I cant even make it thru the dishes, really what kind of mom am I really…It really starting to get to my depression and have an effect on me on my daily life. I know I will always be in pain, I will accepted that part, but to what degree will I be in or to what degree do I have to accept it?? I mean being on disability has already affected me over and over, time and time again with my depression and to tell you the truth I never ever thought it would effect me. Maybe I am or I was very naïve by saying that, that being on disability would affect me mentally but folks it has affected me in so many ways its not even funny. I cant even begin to tell you how many times I have sunk into a dark depression by being on disability.

It was really bad the summer I got awarded disability, I sank into such a dark depression that thank goodness we were living with my cousin at this time because I actually lost about 3 months of my life due to depression. All I did was sleep from morning to night and I didn’t seem to think about anything else. Not that I did it intentionally but it happened. There was no easing into this depression, it just wham happened. As fast as I went into it, I snapped out of it. Since then I have only gone into one other depression, not as dark tho but I have found myself sleeping all day, much being because of fibro and chronic fatigue I now realize and because and mostly because of PAIN. It is really a debilitating thing.

Its so bad that even if I lean over the kitchen table, ie… making cookies, after just doing one cookie sheet full I have to give my back a rest because the pain in the middle of back all the way across is enough to make my eye water and take the breath out of me. If that gives you any idea the amount of pain I endure.

Even with the pain medication and nerve medication that I am on, it feels like I am on nothing at all but let me tell you I cant imagine the amount of pain I would be on if I would go without anything at all. I don’t wish this pain on anyone especially my worst enemy.

So tomorrow is an important day not only to see how I am healing from my surgery march of 2012 because I am having way more pain than I was having before my 1st surgery January of 2010 but also because he want to see since I am positive for the gene of Anklosing Spondylitis, I am having severe problems with my SI joints and I have mild sclerosis as well, and my S1 level, my body fused itself.

One the problems I have been having especially with the last 2 rheumatologist is that they wouldn’t listen to me when it came to the diagnosis of Anklosing Spondylitis, they kept saying my spine was ridged enough for it. That’s fine, whatever but they wouldn’t stop to hear me when I kept saying my old spine doctor said that my S1 level was fused and according to the internet that is one of the tell tale signs is that your spine starts to fuse…Well, my body is starting to fuse my spine!!! hmmmm…next, they kept saying that my history doesn’t present for the disease…well, my previous medical records all say “I have mild sclerosis with regards to my SI joints…or something to those words, and I have sacroiliitis, per my pain doctor well that right there is per the internet…Sacroiliitis is a feature of spondylarthropathies (such as ankylosing spondylitis so hmmm but yet both of the rheumatologist wouldn’t listen to me and they kept saying over and over to me that I don’t have any history that would present for the disease…Well, what do ya’ll think??? I think I have some really good evidence that would present for the disease…lol…don’t you!!! 

So yeah tomorrow is a very important day and a very important procedure for me…I am so giddy that I found this new doctor. I was told by a girl I went to high school that he was very good and so far he has shown me that he is awesome and I saw him for just a bit….

well, I think I have rambled on for enough….time to work on some homework and then time to relax….wish me luck!!


As promised..Part 2 Another Child’s birth…

Now unlike ~J~ my oldest’s birth, Little Miss wasn’t that involved, I guess you could say on the day of her birth.

Tho, the night before I was up helping clean my whole apartment from top to bottom. About midnight or 1 am was when I finally decided I had enough and calmed down, I decided to take a shower and lay down. I didn’t think anything of the sort cause Little Miss wasn’t due for another 10 days.

By this time, my insomnia had kicked in and everyone in the house were fast asleep. Of course now I want to just relax and Little Miss is active as ever, thought she was going to jump out of my skin, it actually hurt after awhile. lol All of a sudden around 5 am I started to get a strange pain in my abdomen and I decided to sit up for a bit. After about 5-10 minutes I just couldn’t take the pain anymore and as much as I hated to wake anyone up I had this strange feeling that she was coming. Rather than wait too long, I woke everyone up in the house and we were off to the hospital. Not before I had a conversation with ~J~ when I woke her up and I said to her “Honey, its time to go to the hospital” and she’s actually said to me, no joke…”why?” Really???, Oh I don’t know, For fun!!! lol…shortly after she realized what she had said and we all got a

So off to the hospital we all went, but it was also the day ~J~’s school were giving out school supplies to needy families!! Yep, that is definitely us, well they waited for the time to pass before they were off to the school and I waited for..well time to…it was slow going. So when it turned 8 am they decided to head to the school and the nurse asked if I wanted to walk the halls because she said it would help dilate quicker. I said sure and off I was, needless to say, I didn’t know how much pain was to come from the contractions. With my back pain and the contraction, its like a double whammy!!!!

Several hours later, Little Miss embraced us and the world. However, she did have a slight breathing problem so the nurses kept for a bit till she was better but ~J~ got extremely worried, just like a big sister would. So the nurses were great, they took her into the nic-u and let her see her and feed her first. It was so sweet and heartwarming. ~J~ was on top of the world and I was the proudest mom ever.

Shortly after that they brought me Little Miss for the first time since I had her and it was the very first time I was able to see her. I was able to hold her in my arms and I started to cry cause it brought back so many memories of when I had ~J~ and when I was so young. After 13 years you never loose your touch, in fact I think it was a blessing to have the girls so far apart in age. I so believe that god had a plan for me and that was to have my girls this way. I think it gave me more of an appreciation for them both in different ways. It gives me a way to love them in their own special ways and I think that is so special that not many people get to experience in their lifetime.

I am the youngest in my family with an older brother who is 9 years older and its actually kind of cool to see how ~J~ interacts with her sister and I think back to when I was her age and how me and my brother were and I see so many things the same. Its funny because Little Miss is doing some of the same things I did when I was a baby (shake the crib bars like a gorilla) lol and I also see ~J~ doing some of the things with her girlfriends that I did with my best friend when I was her age.

My question to anyone who reads this is, is it possible being that your kids carry your genes and all, but is it possible that they actually do and act the same exact way you did as a baby and young child?? Any comments are appreciated!!!

Daily Prompt: Comfort Zone

Daily Prompt: Comfort Zone.

Well, I used to be very very routine because I was on a schedule. I worked everyday all day long and had to because I was a single mom. Not saying I am not a single mom now but this is a different time now. Now I am on disability and I don’t work. I miss working to tell you the truth. Why, you are probably wondering…well, several reasons but mostly because I had a schedule. I try my hardest now to keep a schedule and I fail miserably now for. I am still a single mom but now I struggle every day to keep some kind of order in my home.

That’s why I am glad I am going to be starting school in the fall, so that maybe soon I can get some kind of order back in my home. It sounds sad but if that’s the only way to get order so be it!!!

As Promised!! Day 1~~ Child’s Birth Part ..Interesting!!!

Well as promised, Here is the start to my promise. Here’s my first post and this is actually going to be a two part ,one because of the nature of the post. It just wouldn’t be fair to post about one and leave my other child out!!

Since, I have two girls I feel its only right to make this a two part post and two days of posts. So starting out with my oldest who is now 13 years old.

We, well me and my daughter’s father, were at my best friends house off and on for the week, which was an hour from where we were living at the time. I am no longer with him but we are still friends for the sake of her. However, the boys were playing video games all night while us girls went to bed. I woke up several times, thinking I had to pee, when after the 4th time I realized in fact it was my water starting to go. It was then that my heart started to beat fast, so I went to the basement where the boys were wrapping up the game. I notice it was also 5 am and felt nervous, for some reason and told him it was time that we had to go to the hospital. 

So, I sat down and told him and he got all excited and we soon left and called his mom and dad who wanted to be in the delivery room and were just waiting for the call from us. Jokingly, my brother had told me that weekend because that in fact was my due date, Sunday. He had just finished telling saying to me that “You better not go into Labor on Sunday because this is the first time in months that I get to go gambling!” Gee thanks..I thought!! Well, looks like J had plans of her own that day!!!!

We had to make a pit stop at the house before we went to the hospital because I was thinking before hand, “I’ll have plenty of time when we come back on Sunday  no problem.” I guess I never took it serious enough! So after we rushed on the road to get to the house, I was was frantically running around the apartment with a towel between my legs because of my water leaking just throwing random things in a bag instead of having a well packing bag to go the hospital like I should have. Silly me or stupid me, you decide!! Either way I must have looked rather funny cause her dad was laughing his butt off at me instead of helping me, nice huh!! 

Now the interesting part begins!!!

We leave the Apartment and we are on our way to the hospital and its almost 7 am by this time and my contractions still really aren’t bad yet, nothing to get worried about and my water isn’t leaking bad either considering it has been 2 hours by now and the street lights are about the shut off. WE are at a stop light and there is a cop behind us, no big deal so we think, right?? We start to go and and before we know it we are getting pulled over!! 

In my opinion, I guess he must have thought it was his turn to play god because he was playing the part alright! For 45 minutes he went back and forth for various reason and in the end to tell us that our tickets would be in the mail. It went from a ticket for not having our lights on, really the street lights about shut off. Then it was a loud exhaust and then just my ex had a bad attitude..well..duh!!! wouldn’t you if your first born is about to be born and you would rather it not be on a side road in the middle of Milwaukee?? 

Finally, like I said after 45 minutes he sent us on our way, but not before letting us know that our 3 tickets would be in the mail. No good luck, have a nice day, nothing but “Your tickets will be in mail.” 

In the end, our now 13 year bundle of attitude was born at 7:34 pm weighing in at 7 lbs  7 ounces  21 inches long. Sure enough when I got home from the hospital and checked my mail there they were!!!

Kelly Lynn

Call me weird or whatever you may but I still to this day have those tickets stored away in a section of her baby book ready to explain to her what happen the day she was born!!!

My promise if you will?!?

Hmm… Sounds strange right?? well here what I mean but I need more help…I’ve been thinking okay so it was a quick thought and it got my thinking more and well more.. but I need help from my fans rather I don’t like to call you my fans….I want to call you my friends….calling you my friends because you came and starting following my blog spend your time with me reading what I write. So from now on your my friends.

So that is why your my friends…So that is why I decided to come up with this I am going to do this..I want to try something for the next month and if your willing to do something for me!!! So I need something more for from you if you would help me!!!

So are you ready!!!! This is my promise to you if your willing to help me….I wanna see if this works for the first month and if it works Ill continue with again…I will continually blog for the next month if you all will check out my other website and pass the word along…  Now, please they say it takes a person to change a certain a certain action by doing something over a period of 30 days so come on if I am doing my end I promise to do mine will you do yours? I am taking a calendar and scheduling the next 30 days with different things to write about. This is taking a lot of organization skills and time out of my life to do. Please help me out and check back from time to time. Also, tell others about my blog too. This is taking a lot of time and I am not sure if you know but I do suffer from anxiety too so this does affect it and I mean that by that meaning that I am not good with planning things but I am willing to dedicate my self to make things better. I want this to flourish and do better and this how I have to go about to make this take off, but I need your help so come on and help me out.

Also, Check out my biggest accomplishment of all…I am so proud of it…My website….  stop in…leave me a comment or two…check back whenever.. there are lots of things going on everyday.. I have things planned out everyday and I will make a post later on what those are so you can pick a day to stop in a check it out. I am also trying to get new things going there and here as I would love to get a few product review going as I did one awhile back about Air Wick Limited Edition Candle, I bought the candle. I would like in the future to do more of them from companies.  I would like to also have some guest bloggers in the future to spice up my blogs.

To spice up my blogs I found a great website for images and its free, However, you can pay for their plans, I am not sure why you would as it is free for their images. they offer clip art and photos. It is an awesome website, one of the best I have found so far but that is only my opinion.

I also started to have weekly featured bloggers, currently I am on Week 5, so come and check it out.

Like I said I have some other things planned out. This blog is currently for The Daily Prompt and other posts and my other website is where I have things planned for each day of the week. Its a lot of fun and I hope you check it out.

If you have any ideas on what you would like to see on my blog that I could do, suggestions are appreciated and much accepted!!! Let me know, I wont shoot any idea down, I’ll take all suggestions into consideration!!! If you would like to be a guest blogger on this blog or my other website, please shoot me an email at It would definitely get my blogs going!!!

Like I said, I promise to do my part if you all will!!!!


Daily Prompt: Ghostwriter

Daily Prompt: Ghostwriter.

Unfortunately I am not a reader…what does that mean?? I am not up with to date with name of authors.. Sorry Folks!! I wish I could rattle off names of famous authors like I read other bloggers name off these famous authors left and right but lets get serious. I am just not into reading books. I actually have a book sitting right next to my bed side currently and for the life of me I can not get myself to sit down and read it. Maybe its my learning problem or whatever but I would love to sit down with a glass of wine and knock out a book or two like my oldest does or even my brother does. But for some reason my interest does not span far enough to make or allow me do it. Maybe as I get older things will change. Does anyone have any suggestions on good authors?? Cause let me tell ya..My life..Definately worth a good writing time…trust me…lol

Daily Prompt: Erasure

Daily Prompt: Erasure.

Well, as a matter of fact there are two times I would like to erase from my life and those were when I had some issues with the law due to my mental state. Now before you start getting all wierded out. If weirded out is a word or not, I am not sure but for this purpose it is going to Back in 2009 I was having a rough time, I had just been evicted and it was just my oldest and myself and we had put majority of our whole life into storage and I was faced with the realization of not knowing where or what I was doing. I felt like I had failed as a parent, tho it wasn’t my fault completely. I had left my trust in an ex-boyfriend because we were still friends and he promised because I wasn’t able work due to my back(this was before my 1st surgery) and he completely lied and failed me. So I was at the stage of not knowing where I was going to live and had no vehicle at that particular moment until I went and had to beg my father for help. I had to give in and my last resort was my father knowing there would be a lecture, so I sucked it up and was ready for it. Fast forward, a friend came to my rescue and found me a place to live. At this time I didn’t know I was bipolar and ended up having a manic episode and got into some trouble. I don’t care to go into detail but I owned up to my mistakes and shortly after found a doctor and was diagnosed with bipolar.

Now, Fast forward again to Feb 2012, right before my 2nd surgery I had another manic episode and figured out that I wasn’t on the correct medication and was stressed out and blacked out per say and got into trouble again. Now this time they weren’t as nice but it could have been worse. I have since then figured out my pattern of manic episodes, got on the correct medications and doses and truly learned my lesson and owned up to my mistakes.

If I could erase those moments from my life I so badly would because they haunt me everyday of my life. It was not me who did those things or the way I was raised and I know what I did was wrong but when someone with a mental illness has bipolar like I do, especially when they not properly treated and several things stacked against them, they don’t realize what they are doing and to control urges like a normal person is mearly impossible. I have learned to live and accept what I did in the past and if people cant accept what I did well, all I can say is oh well cause then you don’t understand that it wasn’t the real me doing those things. If you can understand that point.