Well, this by far is a very interesting topic and I guess one of my favorites so far. I guess I would have to say there are many “Shoulda Woulda Coulda” ideas but I will only speak on two that are most important and for sake of time and going on and on. Alright, so the biggest one by far is my issue with smoking. Its like that virtual monkey on my shoulder. I am not saying that I wont or I am not going to quit or anything to that matter but I am trying. Well, to be completely honest my trying days on are hold for the moment. I am being completely honest with myself here for the time being….lol… You may ask why for several reasons??? Why am I being completely honest, well why not right?!? If I cant be honest with myself here as I have obviously spoke about personal things in the past, why not continue right? Oh and your probably wondering why my trying days are on hold, to be perfectly honest again…..I don’t know why….I guess I just need to get a clear head again so that I can tackle it head on…That’s the only thing I can guess.

I can honestly…yep again with the honestly…see I am a very honest person with my feelings..I figure be honest and if people don’t like it, please then don’t read it. Simple enough. Back to subject at hand, I was almost there, down to the last couple a day…ready to say I am done smoking for good and I was feeling great. Was using the patch and then it all started to crumble before my eyes. I must be allergic to that adhesive as well, just like the fentanyl patch when I had my back surgery. I started to break out wherever I put the patch and then I started to panic and the whole quitting smoking was out the window for that moment. So I have to get back into the frame of mind to quit smoking before I can say I am gonna quit because trying to quit and actually doing it are two different things I actually figured out. I found out when you say that statement, you tend to smoke twice as much…lol…I guess you could say that I think I know in a sense what it feels like to try a quit a habit that your addicted to for the last 16 years just like a drug user or a prescription pill user is trying to kick the habit and I have found a new sense of understanding of how they must feel in the sense of how they have to change their thinking and how they conduct their life of a daily basis. It really sucks let me tell ya…lol…

Now for my other “Shoulda Woulda Coulda” issue…..Well, seems like something that should be second nature but for others, especially me…Is a daily battle…Its a daily routine and its like one I used to have before I became disabled, had back surgery and became sick on many different levels. I used to have a great daily routine and I enjoyed life, I used to participate as an active member of society and now I’m like a freaken hermit. lol…I mean I understand things are different and they are going to be different from now on and I have to accept them and fit my life accordingly. Yet I can’t even do a simple thing called a daily routine. How pathetic!!!!! I sit and make to-do lists everyday, a simple to-do list yet I can’t train myself and my brain to stick to it. I mean this is an example of my to-do list….

1) After I wake up, Make my bed.
2) Jump in the shower, 1st thing.
3) Do my hair real quick.
4) Check on the baby periodically.
5) Throw in a load of laundry.
6) Do what dishes are there. Usually not many at all.
7) Dust and wipe down counters.
8) Vacumme the house.
9) Throw in another load of laundry if needed.
10) Check on the baby….
11)Plan something for dinner…I get major anxiety with this one….MAJOR ANXIETY……
12) Somewhere in the middle the baby would wake up or be up and want breakfast and lunch…

Well, households around america do to-do lists just like this everyday and what am I that ridiculous that I cant even handle a simple list like this. Seems simple on paper right??? If only my brain would connect and I could accomplish that daily or if I accomplished it one day, because of the fibromyalgia usually it wipes me out the whole next day because Im too active one day..So I cant win for loosing. My health prevents me from doing a lot of things most times, and i hate using or referring to my health in the same sentence but lets get real right….I have to get real right??? So I give up…Theres days that Im not the same persons..and then days that I am wild women…and thats the bipolar in me…like I said I cant win for loosing…Anyone reading this, got any ideas????? Hopefully this new doctor in march will prescribe me my medications that help me with my umph….and I can be me again…..

Sorry for such a long blog post…but those are my Shoulda Woulda Coulda…..and that’s the honest truth…..lol….


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