Well, tomorrow is the day, I can’t wait, even tho I hate going thru them…Tomorrow is my CT scan… Hopefully it will give me more answers and better yet it will give my new neurosurgeon, but new awesome neurosurgeon…lol..some sort of answers as to why the pain is so freaking up believe ably horribly bad. I mean, come on now folks, today for instance…I went to do the dishes, not to many dishes really and I barely could make it thru them. It felt like my back was going to break in half, I could barely take a normal breath without being in tremendous pain. So after I finished washing them, I had to literally sit down before I could dry them and put them away because I was shaking the pain was so bad. So tonight, as much as I knew I was going to be in so much pain, I knew the refrigerator had to be cleaned out. Thankfully ~J~ was home and she was able to help me put away the dishes because no sooner did I start the dishes did the pain come rushing back!!! I mean I give up, this is really getting be down, I mean if I cant even make it thru the dishes, really what kind of mom am I really…It really starting to get to my depression and have an effect on me on my daily life. I know I will always be in pain, I will accepted that part, but to what degree will I be in or to what degree do I have to accept it?? I mean being on disability has already affected me over and over, time and time again with my depression and to tell you the truth I never ever thought it would effect me. Maybe I am or I was very naïve by saying that, that being on disability would affect me mentally but folks it has affected me in so many ways its not even funny. I cant even begin to tell you how many times I have sunk into a dark depression by being on disability.
It was really bad the summer I got awarded disability, I sank into such a dark depression that thank goodness we were living with my cousin at this time because I actually lost about 3 months of my life due to depression. All I did was sleep from morning to night and I didn’t seem to think about anything else. Not that I did it intentionally but it happened. There was no easing into this depression, it just wham happened. As fast as I went into it, I snapped out of it. Since then I have only gone into one other depression, not as dark tho but I have found myself sleeping all day, much being because of fibro and chronic fatigue I now realize and because and mostly because of PAIN. It is really a debilitating thing.
Its so bad that even if I lean over the kitchen table, ie… making cookies, after just doing one cookie sheet full I have to give my back a rest because the pain in the middle of back all the way across is enough to make my eye water and take the breath out of me. If that gives you any idea the amount of pain I endure.
Even with the pain medication and nerve medication that I am on, it feels like I am on nothing at all but let me tell you I cant imagine the amount of pain I would be on if I would go without anything at all. I don’t wish this pain on anyone especially my worst enemy.
So tomorrow is an important day not only to see how I am healing from my surgery march of 2012 because I am having way more pain than I was having before my 1st surgery January of 2010 but also because he want to see since I am positive for the gene of Anklosing Spondylitis, I am having severe problems with my SI joints and I have mild sclerosis as well, and my S1 level, my body fused itself.
One the problems I have been having especially with the last 2 rheumatologist is that they wouldn’t listen to me when it came to the diagnosis of Anklosing Spondylitis, they kept saying my spine was ridged enough for it. That’s fine, whatever but they wouldn’t stop to hear me when I kept saying my old spine doctor said that my S1 level was fused and according to the internet that is one of the tell tale signs is that your spine starts to fuse…Well, my body is starting to fuse my spine!!! hmmmm…next, they kept saying that my history doesn’t present for the disease…well, my previous medical records all say “I have mild sclerosis with regards to my SI joints…or something to those words, and I have sacroiliitis, per my pain doctor well that right there is per the internet…Sacroiliitis is a feature of spondylarthropathies (such as ankylosing spondylitis so hmmm but yet both of the rheumatologist wouldn’t listen to me and they kept saying over and over to me that I don’t have any history that would present for the disease…Well, what do ya’ll think??? I think I have some really good evidence that would present for the disease…lol…don’t you!!!
So yeah tomorrow is a very important day and a very important procedure for me…I am so giddy that I found this new doctor. I was told by a girl I went to high school that he was very good and so far he has shown me that he is awesome and I saw him for just a bit….
well, I think I have rambled on for enough….time to work on some homework and then time to relax….wish me luck!!