Tomorrow is the day!!!

Well, tomorrow is the day, I can’t wait, even tho I hate going thru them…Tomorrow is my CT scan… Hopefully it will give me more answers and better yet it will give my new neurosurgeon, but new awesome neurosurgeon…lol..some sort of answers as to why the pain is so freaking up believe ably horribly bad. I mean, come on now folks, today for instance…I went to do the dishes, not to many dishes really and I barely could make it thru them. It felt like my back was going to break in half, I could barely take a normal breath without being in tremendous pain. So after I finished washing them, I had to literally sit down before I could dry them and put them away because I was shaking the pain was so bad. So tonight, as much as I knew I was going to be in so much pain, I knew the refrigerator had to be cleaned out. Thankfully ~J~ was home and she was able to help me put away the dishes because no sooner did I start the dishes did the pain come rushing back!!! I mean I give up, this is really getting be down, I mean if I cant even make it thru the dishes, really what kind of mom am I really…It really starting to get to my depression and have an effect on me on my daily life. I know I will always be in pain, I will accepted that part, but to what degree will I be in or to what degree do I have to accept it?? I mean being on disability has already affected me over and over, time and time again with my depression and to tell you the truth I never ever thought it would effect me. Maybe I am or I was very naïve by saying that, that being on disability would affect me mentally but folks it has affected me in so many ways its not even funny. I cant even begin to tell you how many times I have sunk into a dark depression by being on disability.

It was really bad the summer I got awarded disability, I sank into such a dark depression that thank goodness we were living with my cousin at this time because I actually lost about 3 months of my life due to depression. All I did was sleep from morning to night and I didn’t seem to think about anything else. Not that I did it intentionally but it happened. There was no easing into this depression, it just wham happened. As fast as I went into it, I snapped out of it. Since then I have only gone into one other depression, not as dark tho but I have found myself sleeping all day, much being because of fibro and chronic fatigue I now realize and because and mostly because of PAIN. It is really a debilitating thing.

Its so bad that even if I lean over the kitchen table, ie… making cookies, after just doing one cookie sheet full I have to give my back a rest because the pain in the middle of back all the way across is enough to make my eye water and take the breath out of me. If that gives you any idea the amount of pain I endure.

Even with the pain medication and nerve medication that I am on, it feels like I am on nothing at all but let me tell you I cant imagine the amount of pain I would be on if I would go without anything at all. I don’t wish this pain on anyone especially my worst enemy.

So tomorrow is an important day not only to see how I am healing from my surgery march of 2012 because I am having way more pain than I was having before my 1st surgery January of 2010 but also because he want to see since I am positive for the gene of Anklosing Spondylitis, I am having severe problems with my SI joints and I have mild sclerosis as well, and my S1 level, my body fused itself.

One the problems I have been having especially with the last 2 rheumatologist is that they wouldn’t listen to me when it came to the diagnosis of Anklosing Spondylitis, they kept saying my spine was ridged enough for it. That’s fine, whatever but they wouldn’t stop to hear me when I kept saying my old spine doctor said that my S1 level was fused and according to the internet that is one of the tell tale signs is that your spine starts to fuse…Well, my body is starting to fuse my spine!!! hmmmm…next, they kept saying that my history doesn’t present for the disease…well, my previous medical records all say “I have mild sclerosis with regards to my SI joints…or something to those words, and I have sacroiliitis, per my pain doctor well that right there is per the internet…Sacroiliitis is a feature of spondylarthropathies (such as ankylosing spondylitis so hmmm but yet both of the rheumatologist wouldn’t listen to me and they kept saying over and over to me that I don’t have any history that would present for the disease…Well, what do ya’ll think??? I think I have some really good evidence that would present for the disease…lol…don’t you!!! 

So yeah tomorrow is a very important day and a very important procedure for me…I am so giddy that I found this new doctor. I was told by a girl I went to high school that he was very good and so far he has shown me that he is awesome and I saw him for just a bit….

well, I think I have rambled on for enough….time to work on some homework and then time to relax….wish me luck!!

 

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As promised..Part 2 Another Child’s birth…

Now unlike ~J~ my oldest’s birth, Little Miss wasn’t that involved, I guess you could say on the day of her birth.

Tho, the night before I was up helping clean my whole apartment from top to bottom. About midnight or 1 am was when I finally decided I had enough and calmed down, I decided to take a shower and lay down. I didn’t think anything of the sort cause Little Miss wasn’t due for another 10 days.

By this time, my insomnia had kicked in and everyone in the house were fast asleep. Of course now I want to just relax and Little Miss is active as ever, thought she was going to jump out of my skin, it actually hurt after awhile. lol All of a sudden around 5 am I started to get a strange pain in my abdomen and I decided to sit up for a bit. After about 5-10 minutes I just couldn’t take the pain anymore and as much as I hated to wake anyone up I had this strange feeling that she was coming. Rather than wait too long, I woke everyone up in the house and we were off to the hospital. Not before I had a conversation with ~J~ when I woke her up and I said to her “Honey, its time to go to the hospital” and she’s actually said to me, no joke…”why?” Really???, Oh I don’t know, For fun!!! lol…shortly after she realized what she had said and we all got a chuckle..lol..

So off to the hospital we all went, but it was also the day ~J~’s school were giving out school supplies to needy families!! Yep, that is definitely us, well they waited for the time to pass before they were off to the school and I waited for..well time to dialate..lol…it was slow going. So when it turned 8 am they decided to head to the school and the nurse asked if I wanted to walk the halls because she said it would help dilate quicker. I said sure and off I was, needless to say, I didn’t know how much pain was to come from the contractions. With my back pain and the contraction, its like a double whammy!!!!

Several hours later, Little Miss embraced us and the world. However, she did have a slight breathing problem so the nurses kept for a bit till she was better but ~J~ got extremely worried, just like a big sister would. So the nurses were great, they took her into the nic-u and let her see her and feed her first. It was so sweet and heartwarming. ~J~ was on top of the world and I was the proudest mom ever.

Shortly after that they brought me Little Miss for the first time since I had her and it was the very first time I was able to see her. I was able to hold her in my arms and I started to cry cause it brought back so many memories of when I had ~J~ and when I was so young. After 13 years you never loose your touch, in fact I think it was a blessing to have the girls so far apart in age. I so believe that god had a plan for me and that was to have my girls this way. I think it gave me more of an appreciation for them both in different ways. It gives me a way to love them in their own special ways and I think that is so special that not many people get to experience in their lifetime.

I am the youngest in my family with an older brother who is 9 years older and its actually kind of cool to see how ~J~ interacts with her sister and I think back to when I was her age and how me and my brother were and I see so many things the same. Its funny because Little Miss is doing some of the same things I did when I was a baby (shake the crib bars like a gorilla) lol and I also see ~J~ doing some of the things with her girlfriends that I did with my best friend when I was her age.

My question to anyone who reads this is, is it possible being that your kids carry your genes and all, but is it possible that they actually do and act the same exact way you did as a baby and young child?? Any comments are appreciated!!!

As Promised!! Day 1~~ Child’s Birth Part ..Interesting!!!

Well as promised, Here is the start to my promise. Here’s my first post and this is actually going to be a two part ,one because of the nature of the post. It just wouldn’t be fair to post about one and leave my other child out!!

Since, I have two girls I feel its only right to make this a two part post and two days of posts. So starting out with my oldest who is now 13 years old.

We, well me and my daughter’s father, were at my best friends house off and on for the week, which was an hour from where we were living at the time. I am no longer with him but we are still friends for the sake of her. However, the boys were playing video games all night while us girls went to bed. I woke up several times, thinking I had to pee, when after the 4th time I realized in fact it was my water starting to go. It was then that my heart started to beat fast, so I went to the basement where the boys were wrapping up the game. I notice it was also 5 am and felt nervous, for some reason and told him it was time that we had to go to the hospital. 

So, I sat down and told him and he got all excited and we soon left and called his mom and dad who wanted to be in the delivery room and were just waiting for the call from us. Jokingly, my brother had told me that weekend because that in fact was my due date, Sunday. He had just finished telling saying to me that “You better not go into Labor on Sunday because this is the first time in months that I get to go gambling!” Gee thanks..I thought!! Well, looks like J had plans of her own that day!!!!

We had to make a pit stop at the house before we went to the hospital because I was thinking before hand, “I’ll have plenty of time when we come back on Sunday  no problem.” I guess I never took it serious enough! So after we rushed on the road to get to the house, I was was frantically running around the apartment with a towel between my legs because of my water leaking just throwing random things in a bag instead of having a well packing bag to go the hospital like I should have. Silly me or stupid me, you decide!! Either way I must have looked rather funny cause her dad was laughing his butt off at me instead of helping me, nice huh!! 

Now the interesting part begins!!!

We leave the Apartment and we are on our way to the hospital and its almost 7 am by this time and my contractions still really aren’t bad yet, nothing to get worried about and my water isn’t leaking bad either considering it has been 2 hours by now and the street lights are about the shut off. WE are at a stop light and there is a cop behind us, no big deal so we think, right?? We start to go and and before we know it we are getting pulled over!! 

In my opinion, I guess he must have thought it was his turn to play god because he was playing the part alright! For 45 minutes he went back and forth for various reason and in the end to tell us that our tickets would be in the mail. It went from a ticket for not having our lights on, really the street lights about shut off. Then it was a loud exhaust and then just my ex had a bad attitude..well..duh!!! wouldn’t you if your first born is about to be born and you would rather it not be on a side road in the middle of Milwaukee?? 

Finally, like I said after 45 minutes he sent us on our way, but not before letting us know that our 3 tickets would be in the mail. No good luck, have a nice day, nothing but “Your tickets will be in mail.” 

In the end, our now 13 year bundle of attitude was born at 7:34 pm weighing in at 7 lbs  7 ounces  21 inches long. Sure enough when I got home from the hospital and checked my mail there they were!!!

Kelly Lynn

Call me weird or whatever you may but I still to this day have those tickets stored away in a section of her baby book ready to explain to her what happen the day she was born!!!

Quiet evening

Tonight was not planned as it went, and I will explain because I bet ya’ll are just wondering what is she talking about…. That crazy woman she is!!! Well, started the day just like any day with the normal afternoon quiet with the oldest doing her chores and me just being me by doing my email and computer thing. When I got the idea that I just wasn’t happy and I decided to air out the house for a period of time. The girls just looked at me Like ma, have ya lost your mind….lol..But it just seemed stale and eww in the house..I often wonder if I am getting cabin fever with all that white stuff outside??? Well, after about 20 minutes of freezing them out, I closed the windows and felt and freedom among the house, if you can understand.

Next, it was afternoon and getting dinner ready. A friend came over as he usually does and he chose to make dinner…Yummy and fast forward to dinner cause the later afternoon was just boring with things of email and blog things…why would anyone be interested in that stuff. Yummy cant say it enough…Chicken Parm with Spaghetti and Little miss was in her cake mood again, or was it maybe others in the house…I am not quite sure exactly but I ended up making a Red Velvet cake with a Vanilla frosting and sprinkles on top. The cake was thanks to ole Pillsbury and the same for the frosting and let me tell ya folks…I am sure stuffed cause its now after dinner and desert time and boy oh boy have I really not stuck to my diet needs or expectations of myself.

Now, I haven’t told anyone but I started a gym awhile back and I have a goal, well I just started seeing a personal trainer and Friday was my first visit and Oh my goodness, just the little bit she worked me is showing today. I have to get back on the horse and keep riding as they say, right? So, tonight I am going back to the gym and doing the same routine she showed me yesterday and I am going to work it hard cause I have a goal by summer and this girl is getting back to what I was before the baby and when I first moved to this town. I have sure let myself go, I don’t want to say its from the pain but that nasty thing creeps up and it makes it hard to do anything. So I am gonna work what I ate tonight and then some. Wish me luck, Cause I am gonna need it in the long run….

I will start a count down and let ya know on a weekly basis how I am doing…

Love Ya’ll

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Finally….

Well, today was a rough and a tough day for me health wise. I usually don’t like to talk about my health because I still feel like I am complaining but come on now this is my blog for pete sakes…lol..So yesterday was my pain doctor appointment and I had my injections. If anyone is not familiar with that, I had SI injections on both sides and I don’t know but wow…both ones this time and just wow…I am sore today..Like super duper sore, more than I am with just one side. So hopefully it gets better as the days go on cause its that deep down soreness throughout your body. All that comes to mind is when I was a kid and my mom would say after sitting or being outside when it was really bone bitter cold, she would say” I’ve been out here so long that I think the cold has seeped down into my bones, I hurt so bad”. That’s how I feel today and it weird cause when I only have one injection done it usually doesn’t hurt this bad but if it continues to ache this bad I dont think I will have them done next month again. 

Tho, I did however get some good new today, for the third time calling this new neurosurgeon from out of town the finally called me back so I have an appointment. Yay!!!! I am so excited, tho it isn’t until April but hey its a start and I cant complain for that right??

So as for the rest of the night, whats a gal to do when it just keeps on snowing and snowing….Wishing it would just go away…lol..Like I said Winter Wonderland…yeah right!!! lol…This mom sure has had her fill of the wintery white stuff and that my friends is for darn sure.

Love ya’ll

Kelly Lynn